rapocalypse | (no subject)

Blasted pop ups! [shakingly trying to get to the mute button??????? He's stammering and stuttering] I-I, you k-know, the usual! Movie reviews and the like, yes, a-all about movies and nothing, er, indecent!

Pretty nervous for a guy only looking at movies. [ yeah he believes you ]

This is somehow your fault! It has to be! You caused this in some manner, with shenanigans and computer coding. I did nothing other than visit my perfectly innocent reviewing sites!

Shall I present my hypothesis? Keep that shapely ass seated and I'll lay it down for you nice and simple. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, let it be brought to your undivided attention that Mr. English here is sporting telltale signs of rampant teenage hormones and a vague tent in his pants that he thinks I don't know about. [ strider who are you talking to ] Exhibit A waltzes forward in the form of raunchy videos, cycling stills and pre-recorded sounds of males -- only males, noted -- engaging in various sexual acts. A hack, he claims, but the crack in his voice and the sweat on his head tell a more sinister story of a boy and his hand rudely interrupted by his best friend who lent him his computer from the goodness of his heart only to be rudely stabbed in the back and jerked around without so much as a happy ending; of which Mr. English seems to be currently enamored with.

Judging by the evidence Mr. English has left around, it is quite safe to say he hasn't been looking up movies at all. What say the browsing history? Dare let me take a gander, English?

[BLUBBERING AND BLABBERING as strider rambles, kind of trying not to flail and flailing...but there is another unmanly squeak at the offer of him checking]

NO! I-I mean...that won't be necessary! [THROWS HIMSELF AT THE KEYBOARD] Everything is fine I will handle this and it will all go away and you will forget all about it, hahaha, won't you, Mr. Strider? A temporary memory lapse, perhaps? I assure you there were no hands anywhere near the crotch area of my body and this is an unfortunately timed coincidence, and nothing else!

Uh-huh. [ too bad he's not going anywhere sorry. instead he rests his chin on jake's shoulder and his arm across the back of the chair, clearly not intending to move at all. what now, jake?? ] You're a terrible liar.

[WHY IS HE SO CLOSE.AFDFLJKHLDH TWITCHES] Would you please unhand me?

[ yeah he's not going anywhere sorry jake. with a head gesture towards the screen: ] This a new business venture you're looking to persue?

We are not having this conversation, please vacate the premises immediately. [STANDING STIFF AND JUST...trying not to look at that screen where there are dicks going into asses. over and over.]

[ he stands there for a minute, still draped across the chair. it's more fun when jake gets all flustered. the flushed tone looks good on him. the rigid, defensive stance just feels awkward to press. he stares at the screen for a little longer, tracing the silhouettes of firm, pornstar asses. nice. ] Alright.

[so flustered. now this is awkward. what does he say? aldfjkladfjhfdh sits there in awkward tense silence with a boner that is only half gone.]

[ yeah they both know he won't drop it. ] You never deigned my question with a verbal acknowledgement.

W-What question, might I ask? [he wants to die. right here and right now. forget his dream of one day finding a girl of cerulean complexion. this is the end of his life.]

Is this a new business venture you're looking to pursue. You'd be interested in fucking a bro.

T-That is not something one just asks another, S-Strider! [he is clearly so flustered...practically trembling with the effort not to bolt 8|]

[ jesus christ jake you're not making it easy for the guy trying to proposition you. ] Now you've got issues with social graces? My unsuspecting retina were thrown into a market of debauchery and neon cocks oiled up and ready to pilfer the innocent without so much as a warning.

T-that was entirely an accident! A terribly timed incident, nothing else. By no means was it meant to be seen by you.

[ fuck ] Ease up, I believe you.

Ah, good, I am filled with relief. Now, if you please... [awkward...hand wave thing.]

[ fine. he'll just strut back across the room to do whatever it was he was doing before. fucking around building a robot hand or something.

only he still isn't going to shut up sorry. ]

All you'd have to do is ask. The chance of me saying no is infinitesimally microscopic. Just so you're aware.

[managing to get shit closed...somehow...most of it anyways.]

...

[wait, what did he just...]

Pardon?

[ can't hear you sorry he's making a masturbatebot ]

Must be getting hard of hearing in your old age.

[turns to him

opens his mouth...

turns back to computer] I ust not have heard you right. Apologies.

I guarantee you heard me fine.

[turns back to him] Is it preposterous of me to wonder if that was an offer? Theoretically.